Someone Wants Your Seat

Yesterday, I was introduced to the world of blogging and bloggers. For almost three hours I sat at my computer and was mesmerized by what I read. I laughed, I snorted, I rolled my eyes and I cried. I was completely touched by two specifics blogs. I know the authors, but I don't know them. I have never met either IRL, I know them only by a screen name and a message board we all have been a member of for three years.

Nearly three years ago, I joined a message board. It is a board for women who are trying to conceive (TTC). Posters share their TTC experiences with other women, who are TTC. It is a great board where women talk openly and freely about what is going on with their bodies, minds and souls.

The first year I was a member I met one of these women. I know her as M, she is kind, friendly and way back then very optimistic about life. We even "graduated" together. You graduate when you conceive. Ultimately you move to another board where other women like you are talking about their ever changing pregnant bodies.

But, life is unfair and graduation did not last long, she miscarried. Being pregnant for the first time, I was speechless and did not how to respond, because the hard cold truth was - even though I was thinking of her, I was also thanking God it wasn't me! I told you it was cold and cruel. But, in all honesty, can any of you say you wouldn't have the same thoughts??

I went about my way, periodically checking the TTC board just to see how everyone was doing and such. I went into lurkedom, because trust me the last thing any non-pregnant, TTC woman wants to hear, it is from a graduate. These women do not mean to be harsh or harbor ill will, they simply want so desperately what you have, a chance to be a mother. They want to be a part of your club, your world. Yet, hearing from you is like Eddie Murphy's - You ain't got no ice cream routine. It is a slap in the face. No matter how good your intentions are, trust me, it is a slap in the face. Example, it took my husband and I 9 cycles to conceive, during those 9 cycles my emotions were all over the place. One time when I was throwing myself a pity party, a friend of mine who had already birthed SIX children said to me "I'll just have one for you." Now, at first this sounds like a very selfless act and I truly know that is how it was meant. But, it is not how it was received. It was yet another reminder that not only did she have something I so desperately wanted, she was rubbing the proverbial Eddie Murphy ice cream in my face. Not cool!! So I took my cue and laid low as I should!

During the second year, I met lady number two, who I know as G. She is funny, bright and like the first full of optimism - long ago. The second year was different for all three of us. I graduated for the second time and so did they. All of us moved to the respective baby board and waited with anticipation the arrival of the newest member of our families.

M was to be first in the birthing order, followed by G and then me.

All three of us gave birth, I was the only one who brought my baby home. You see, as I sit here my heart is breaking for them. From the moment each one told their story, my heart broke. I rubbed my then pregnant tummy, again, thanking God it wasn't me. Again, being selfish, cold and and somewhat heartless.

I have two beautiful children, healthy, strong, stubborn and at the end of the day, they are home with me.

In the last few days, there have been changes in my life and in my attitude. A slip up that may just add another addition to our family, a strong desire to scream because of the changes that may come about because of the not so being as careful as we should. And then I think about those two special women, M & G. And I know in my heart what they would give to be sitting in my seat, living my life. How can one not count their blessings?

I think about my Mom, who only lives a few minutes away from me, who is such a big part of my life and my children's lives. And then I think about a friend of mine in SC, who a month ago today flew on a plane across the states to be with her Mom before she underwent brain surgery. Her Mom has yet to come out of a coma. Her future is uncertain at this point and my friend is trying to accept the fact she may lose her mother, her best friend not even a year after saying goodbye to her Dad. What would she give for my seat?

I think about my hubby, who I love with all of my soul, but at times can make me loose it. And then I think about a friend of mine who lost her husband in Iraq, or J, who lost her husband to apnea two years ago. What would either one of them give to be sitting where I am?

Yes, my life is truly good and I am truly blessed. I know this!! I thank God for this. But, somehow I can't help but to feel a little guilty that why my life is good, why others are suffering - so much?? Why? Which I am sure all of the ladies I have mentioned are pondering if not right now, probably sometime today. WHY???

Why do I get this seat and not theirs?

So, before you say Oh shit, I might be pregnant, think about the countless couples who would and do give their life savings to sit where you are sitting. Think before you complain about your growing belly, swelling feet and receiving yet another diaper bag you did not want. Think before you complain about your newborn waking you up in the middle of the night. Think before you grumble about having to call your Mom or spend time with her this Sunday. Think before you rant about the crazy things your hubby did or didn't do.

THINK - Someone - wants your seat!!